me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
This hospital has everything
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range