Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.