My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen