MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?