LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
You Might Also Like
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
never forget
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.