Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
same energy
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Things will get butter, keep churning
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.