There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
You Might Also Like
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!