Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.