Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
This probably isn’t good
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”