time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
This week’s mood.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.