How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding