I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.