Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I know a bad idea when I see one.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app