the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
bro what is going on at twitter
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you