[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I hope they boil the right one.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
❤️❤️❤️
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that