sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
dutch is not a serious language
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams