a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
You Might Also Like
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey