My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*sewing*
A thread
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.