My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Meme Monday.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
🤣
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?