My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.