[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not