What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”