I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Denise please return my vape pen
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”