Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
You Might Also Like
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I know this now 😂
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays