RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton