How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks