[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
jesus christ confetti not now
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”