Stop sending me this shit.
You Might Also Like
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty