“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My dad is at it again
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Cha-ching is my safe word
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down