[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
We all have our pet causes.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Social Media and Real life
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”