Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
True
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille