My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
wtf is an acronym
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.