I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*