4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“just sayin” who asked you though?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.