I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“What?”
– Jude
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
“I FIXED IT!”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
fr
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair