“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Fries, not lies.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS