Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.