[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…