i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please