*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…