As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you