shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
You Might Also Like
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Carpe DM
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Plumber: I think I found the problem
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!