I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
That took me a moment.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE