me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
This guy’s not having it 😆
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
not for long
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset