[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.