My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
#Caturday
Not😆🤣
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.