My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Meanwhile in Portland…
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad