Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A dad and his duck
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.