What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore