Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.